And Again
by TamChronin
Summary: Touya's thoughts on goodbyes.


_Author's Note: Written for L-chan's fic challenge on the "Tsukimine Shrine" LiveJournal community. Just a little spamfic, please enjoy and review responsibly._ ^_~ 

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**_And Again..._**

There are words you will never forget, this side of the grave. A sequence of events can be so strong that you close your eyes and every sound, every scent, every missed heartbeat is ingrained in your memory, indelible, until the very end. I was coloring, and the waxy crayon smell will stay with me now, even as I think of this again so many years later. Someone walked up to the classroom door beside me and motioned for Sensei to leave the room for a moment. I kept an eye on things, but I was also being very careful not to go over the lines of my picture. I think it was a puzzle picture of some sort; the lame kind of thing that teachers kept in the classroom long after the students were no longer thrilled with such "baby" projects. 

"Kinomoto." 

"Hai?" 

Sensei's voice was deeper than usual. Mine was weak, wavering. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I wasn't in trouble. I hadn't done anything wrong. 

"I'm sorry, there's been an accident." 

"Okaa-san," I breathed, knowing already. 

Sensei looked at me sharply. He was wondering how I could know. I didn't have time for that. I had to leave. She was in the hospital. I had to be there too. 

It's funny that that's what I will never forget about that day. I don't remember anything else with such clarity, I have a vague recollection of my once-beautiful mother on a bed, and I couldn't look at her, and she asked me to take special care of my little sister. As if she had to ask. I can't remember the actual goodbye, or if I was brave enough to say it. 

Years later, when I was fifteen, I was in love and the world was perfect. I was surprised that in just the past year and a half, she had gone from being a bit taller than me, to being so small in my arms. In that much time she had gone from being Sensei to being Kaho. We'd shared the hustle and bustle of the festival together, and I'd even helped her and her family set up. I felt included. I felt welcomed. I felt loved. She was my future and I was hers. Next year I would start out by getting a part time job. By the end of college I'd have enough saved for the best engagement ring ever. 

Her small, pale hand tugged me from place to place until we stood under the tree. Our tree. Where we met. 

"I do think I'll miss this," she murmured. 

"What, the festival? There will always be another one." I was teasing her, just trying to evoke another of her precious smiles. 

"No, I'll miss this. I'll miss you." 

"I'm not going anywhere." 

"No, but I am." 

"What? Where?" 

"England." 

But, that was so far away! "Why?" She had to be joking. She just had to be. How could she say that with that smile on her face? 

"For overseas studies. It's time to broaden my horizons." 

"Overseas studies," I repeated in disbelief. "When?" 

"Tomorrow." 

"That's too soon!" Crushing weight on my chest, it was hard to breathe...what she said just couldn't be true.... 

"It's not so sudden. I made this decision two months ago." 

We talked and we talked and we talked, but that was the end right there. That was goodbye. That was the part I couldn't forget if I tried, since I played the scene over and over again the whole summer after that and wondered what I could do different. Each time I came up short. No matter what I could have done, she wouldn't have let me "fix" it. I couldn't make it right. 

More years went by. 

I wish I could forget. 

This time it wasn't the words I heard when I closed my eyes. It was that horrible sinking sensation, that sickening fluctuation in his very life force, and seeing him smile at me as if nothing in the world was wrong. Sakura was getting better, and somehow I hoped, kept hoping, somehow he would get better too. 

He fell. 

Yuki slipped over the balcony, and I ran to catch him. My hands were sweaty, my shoulder had been wrenched, and I didn't care. There was no way in hell I would ever let him go. I couldn't say goodbye. Not again. Never again. 

I didn't let go. 

His hand--his hand simply disappeared. Fluctuated. Vanished and reappeared on the other side, and I could no longer hold on and he fell and he fell and he fell.... 

Like shadows of leaves shifting in the sun his very flesh faded in and out of the shadow of permanent disappearance. 

"Why would I disappear?" 

So many goodbyes were said that day. 

Goodbye to the farce that he was a mere human like the rest of us. 

Goodbye to the silly hesitation I'd had that almost cost him his life. 

Goodbye Okaa-san. 

Goodbye magic. 

Goodbye childhood innocence and the ability to selfishly believe that there was nothing in this world that I could do that someone else could not do for me. That day, I was the only person in the world that could have saved Yuki's life. That day, I was the only one who could make a difference. That day I grew up enough to be able to do it. 

And now. 

These are things I will never forget as well. 

The air is choked with anticipation, and people are stirring in their seats. Sakura's dress is white and flowing, hand sewn by her best friend, and too beautiful for the little girl wearing it. Dammit, she's only...she's only...okay, she's twenty-five. When I look at her though, it's like she's still three! 

"Kinomoto," he growls, glaring at me and I turn to glare back. This, this, this--this boy was taking away my baby sister! 

Beside me, Yuki puts his hand on my shoulder. "To-ya," he says in a chiding tone. 

But, it's my sister who cuts straight to the heart of the matter. The little monster herself. 

"Onii-chan! Let go of that ring!" 


End file.
